After being married for going on 10 years, I've learned something important: You can't make other people do what you want. You may want them to exercise and eat healthy but they won't always do it. You may even want them to, say, pick up their dirty socks or stop leaving 1,000 pairs of shoes by the door, but they won't do that either (not that I'm talking about anyone in particular). For some reason, these people we get involved with tend to make their own decisions. I know...what's up with that?
I bring this up because of a few interesting comments I got in a reader's response article, Who sabotages your weight loss? and some readers mentioned loved ones as a common culprit. One woman said:
"Husband is heavy, I lost 160 pounds and was so proud of myself...I told him the compliments I was getting (big mistake). What followed was anger and fighting and jealousy. I just wanted him to be proud of me. I have now gained almost all of it back and even if I try to lose it will not come off. Sometimes I wonder if I don't want it bad enough. I do not want to go through what I went through before. "
On the other side of that is the self-described enabler who said:
"Looks like hell is other people. In my house, I'm the cook, the one who makes fatty, sugary, salty, carby meals, and who is overweight. I'm a foody, I can't stand to limit portions, exercise hasn't helped much in the past. I'm doomed!"
In previous posts, I've talked about ideas for encouraging them to exercise, but what do you do when you've changed but your loved one hasn't? How do you handle things when you have to make separate meals or find ways to avoid their unhealthy cooking? What do you do when your loved one gets upset about your exercise time?
If you're in this situation, leave a comment and tell us about your experiences. Have you found a way to encourage your loved one to exercise? If so, don't be shy - we need all the help we can get. Share your story and tell us what to do when our loved ones just won't exercise.
You are right! You Cant’ force or Guilt someone into exercising. The best thing to do is invite them along while you are exercising to talk and spend time with them. A romantic walk at THEIR pace can be a great experience. Work up from there. Increase the pace. Make it a fun activity to help with communication and bonding.
Do something they like to do as a workout. A hike, a bike ride, etc.. A treadmill, or a stack of iron dumbbells is not for everyone. I find the eating part of it is the toughest for my spouse. On a semi-related not, some playful sex is always a good workout.
I’ve been dating someone for the last year who has been talking about losing weight and has yet to do so. I would say she is easily 40 lbs overweight. I’ve tried working out with her with no success. She loves food and has a tendency to lay down and even nap after dinner. All she wants to do is lay down. It makes me crazy. We’ve tried talking about it and the only thing that happens is we argue and I get disgusted. If I encourage her to join me for walks or any activity she gives up right away. I want to see her get better because I know it will affect her health as she ages and I don’t know what to do. I care very much for her but I feel I’m fighting a losing battle. I welcome all suggestions, please.
I feel for Jerry. I had a similar problem although this is not with a spouse, but a sibling. She is not overweight, so she thought she didn’t need to exercise. She would come home from work, eat dinner and sit in front of TV, munching chips and drinking soda. Then she would directly go to bed. No amount of pleading or arguments would change anything. I decided to become proactive – I took over cooking, grocery shopping and limiting junk food and TV watching at home. I enrolled her at a gym and drove her to the gym myself. I found which exercise classes she liked and started taking those classes myself, along with her. I ended up exercising twice the amount (because I have my additional favorite classes ), but all of this effort was worth it. Now one year later, she enjoys going to the gym on her own, doesn’t like to miss exercise classes, and rarely eats junk food.
My husband has some weight on him and he admits it’s a problem. He has back issues and possible heart issues. Anyway, I tell him what has to happen for him to shed the pounds, and he agrees, but he doesn’t actually do it. I can’t do any more than that.
What needs to be realized is…what would you do if a spouse or loved one was abusing alcohol or drugs..? Would you just live with it and support their demise? Or, would you go get professional help. Sitting and being all sweet and nice about it is the same thing as driving them to the liquor store or the local crack corner. I’m not saying get tough is your first approach, of course not. But when other efforts and attempts have failed its time to say enough of this and let them know you won’t sit around and watch them destroy themselves AND be an enabler. Go ahead, jump all over me for not being politically correct….lol.
Be careful when encouraging a loved one to start exercising or improving dietary habits. A “good intentions” comment can wind up as hurt feelings, leaving your loved one to feel that your acceptance is contingent upon his/her weight loss. I haven’t figured out how to encourage my husband, but I can speak to how I would want to be encouraged if our roles were reversed. I would want him to cook the healthful meals and make it a romantic gesture. I would also want him to entice my participation in exercise as something we could do to bond. And if neither of those things work, appeal to my commitment saying, “I love you and I don’t want to lose you or see you suffer with heart disease and diabetes.”
Jerry, none of us are perfect and looks aren’t everything. However, if she’s that divergent on views of exercise and fitness efforts, you should probably just move on and look for someone with more similar views & goals. If you don’t change the situation somehow, you are going to become increasingly unhappy and the relationship will eventually crash & burn. Sorry man…you really should not compromise on this.
We’ve been married 10 years, she carboholic vegetarian, me a vegetable loving carnivore. A few years back I starting working out. Got the muscle under a nice layer of fat. I did not want to offend my wife’s cooking. Finally figured out I should be offended as it was killing me. I cook most of our meals now, and please everybody. They want carbs, they get ‘em. No salt, fine, no greens fine. I eat what I need, because I refuse to let other’s kill me, just because they may get upset.
My friend’s wife Mike started running and now looks like an Olympic sprinter. Mike only gets out of his Lazy boy to grab some more M&M’s and Cheetos. Shouldn’t she dump him and move into a condo in Marco Island?
Mike is trying to slim down by being on the Atkins diet every other day.
Most of the time, my wife makes healthy food for everyone in th house but she doesn’t move a finger for exercise. I had brought her to the walking trail and she does something one day but after that se is tired for the next 3 or 4 days.
At the begining, she was always nagging and being jealous and thinking things like for whom I was loosing weight or if i was seeing somebody in the time I used to train.
After, she accepted me to go and workout but she still is always tired to move herself…
Excercise?? I’m lucky on the rare occasion I can get my wife off the couch long enough to have dinner at the table with the rest of the family! It’s been years since she’s participated in any type of family or bonding activities with even just the two of us that required moving more than 2 feet away from the television.
My husband never was one to really gain weight, so he never really exercised. And just this last year he came back from a deployment as fit as I ever saw him in our 10 yr relationship. He says there really was nothing else for him to do but exercise, I loved seeing the new him! So this gave me motivation to loose the extra pounds I have gained after 3 kids later. Now a year later I am almost to my goal weight but my husband has since lost his drive to exercise! He now has a gut, gained extra pounds and lost most of his muscle that he had gained since the deployment. Don’t get me wrong I still love him, but no matter how much I say or not say(I’ll do p90x in front of him), he still won’t get up to really exercise. He is very encouraging to me but says that since he’s home he’s happy now, and every now and again will get up to exercise but I wish it were more! I guess what I am hoping is that once I really do reach my goal weight it will motivate him to get back to being healthy and fit with me!
I’ve given up on trying to motivate anyone in my family to achieve any level of fitness. I’ve even noticed what you say about them “sabotaging” my efforts by either interrupting me (I train alone at home) or by making a mess out of my few pieces of equipment or my workout area. It’s aggravating, and maddening.
However, my mind and routine are set and I shall not relent. If I do I’ll be, and probably make them miserable as well.
I’ve reached the point where, like the bumper sticker says; They can lead, follow, or just get out of my way.
Mind you, I’m no Mr. Universe or an UFC candidate. But I do take my training time just as seriously, and am just as dedicated they would be.
I have a very supporting husband, but he has no interest in exercising. He is the one pushing me when I don’t feel like training. He is very pround of me and he knows how happy my training makes me. I recently added a punching bag to my home gym and I ask him to hold the bag while I train. This has motivated him to take a few punches and kicks as well – I may have found something he would enjoy doing! I have recently realised that people, especially woman, are afraid of exercise. If they only know how it could change their lifes!
Leroy.. sad situation… if she is not depressed you need to leave her for some one who chooses to live!
Jerry get out now!!! IF not fastforward and you will be Leroy soon. Guys life is too short to waste on someone that does not want to live. My boyfriend is not the most athletic BUT shows interest in all I do. THat’s all it takes!!!
Goodluck.
I am in a marriage of unequal balances. Husband is quite overweight, probably almost 100lbs more than he should be. We have three children under 6 years old, two of whom are three year,1old twins (talk about energy-wow!). He has no patience or energy to deal with them at the end of his workday. He works about 50 hours a week as an electrician. I stay at home with them, and try to make physical activity a priority for myself and the children. We recently purchased a family membership to the local YMCA. I am going three times a week plus running outdoors. I figured his couch potato junk food eating habits would lessen if he went, but he will not get off the couch. He would feel better if he went, and his mood would improve. I worry about the effect his lazy habits have on the children. I don’t want them turning into couch potatoes too. Sometimes nothing works. He won’t go unless he’s motivated.
PS-Leroy-I think we share the same sad situation!! My husband also refuses to participate in much. He had a hard time the other day taking two of the children around the corner to his mother’s house so I could potty train one of the twins without distraction. Wanted to take our minivan. Hope it improves for you!
My husband is great about my exercise time. He knows that it’s important to me to have my time in the evenings to run, lift weights, walk the dog, whatever. Getting him to do those things, though, is not ever going to happen. I have learned that it has to be HIS idea. I stopped asking him to go on walks with the dog and me, because he always says no. He surprises me by coming to the dog park with the dog and me or suggesting a mountain bike ride now and then. When that happens, I don’t make a big deal of it, but I do tell him that I enjoy his company and thanks for coming along. Ignore all saboteurs and do what makes YOU happy when it comes to fitness and diet. Another person’s approval is not what should make you happy. Do it for yourself and YOUR health.
My husband and I recently started eating healthy and losing weight, but about three days into it he gave up and started throwing tantrums whenever we go to the grocery store and I only buy healthy food and when I suggest we go to the gym. I don’t understand it – I felt awful and depressed before, and now that I’m eating healthier and exercising, I feel great. He somehow became more upset after starting to eat healthier. He says a big part of his life is food, and I try to convince him he can have a healthy relationship with food, not one based on chips and fast food. He claims that whenever I suggest that he eats a healthier meal that I’m nagging him. I don’t mean to, and I admit that I sometimes do get too aggressive with him, but after seeing family members become ill and have heart attacks because of their poor diet, I worry for him and myself. I feel like it’s putting strain on our marriage, because when I decide to go to the gym and he doesn’t want to go, he gets jealous and claims I want to go alone because of the other men there. I think all I can do is invite him to go on walks (we still take the dog out together), cook him healthy meals, and get him to take his vitamin every morning!
I found that as the primary cook in the house I had the ability to change the eating habits of my spouse and my children. I started small. Lower fat options for our higher fat meals. Less cheese, low fat sour cream, lean meats. It has made a difference in their health and they see “health food” as just food. It’s nice to see that they would rather snack on fruit then candy!
As for the exercise, I started working out several years ago and lost about 40lbs. I kept it off for a couple years. I have slowly put it back on because I stopped working out. I stopped at the time because I had a two surgeries and an auto accident all within 12 months. The recovery was hard and I got out of the habit of exercise and realized I had been missing some quality time with my husband. So now that I am healed and able to workout I am trying to find the right balance so that I can still have that quality evening time but also get fit and include my husband. Tonight we are going to take a walk together. It’s a start.
I am the only one doing exercise in this relationship. My husband has talked about it over the last 5 years but still nothing more than back pain etc. I am not bothering him with telling him what to do, I am just letting him has his space and I just be me, hopefully a good inspiration. If he complains about his ache etc, I just say there is always a choice, either do something about it or not. That ends that conversation. Because he knows everything in life is that simple, do something about it or not and if not, well the whining doesn’t linger here very long…smile. I mean he is an adult, it is his choice, and he knows that, the same that he knows I’ll give my support when he takes action to it, as with everything else. He also knows it is his “stories (life stories etc)” that creates excuses for not doing it which limiting his possibilities to become healthier.
In the 8 years my (now) husband & I have been together he has gained about 80 pounds. I have tried all the suggestions given and have given up. I cook healthy meals, but if he doesn’t like it he won’t eat it. He’ll just go eat the cookies he whined me into getting. I’m fed up of trying to be active by myself. I don’t want to have sex anymore because he’s so lazy and not very attractive anymore.
Hi all!
I’m a peppy Zumba Fitness instructor and teach 7 classes a week. My hubby used to take my class once in awhile and even did a demo with us (we were 9) at last year’s summer festival. He has type 2 diabetes and is about 20 lbs. overweight. His knees are hurting now (due to old injuries) so he doesn’t want to come back to class but we’ve found an easy way for him to exercise that he doesn’t seem to mind. When I go in to our exercise room to use the weights and to practice for my classes, I’ll ask him to come in with me and use the treadmill; which he does. So we keep each other company while doing the exercises we enjoy! You don’t have to do the same exercises; one of you can cycle while the other jogs, etc.
Zumba hugs from Heather
Its always difficult to get our loved ones to accept our point of view about health but I’ve discovered that actions work better than words.Three years ago I decided to become healthier, I started feeling better day by day less stressed, smiled more & laughed louder.I tried my best to convince my Mum & brothers to begin execises to no avail.They watched me eat fruits for breakfast,I made salads to accompany every dinner or veggies & ate just that whenever the food was too oily.I exercise every morning even if its for just 15 or 10 min.with a rope.The truth is its the results that have convinced all of them including friends & their friends’ friends. I look better than I looked 10 years ago,my skin looks healthy,hair grew longer than it has ever been with a natural shine,the nails are long & healthy most p’ple think they are fake till they see them unpolished. When the flu goes about those around me will suffer it several rounds while I keep my smile unaffected.”My family & every one that knows me understands the importance of exercise now & are doing their best for their own healthy.May God bless all.
I have found that I have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get my fiance to be more active, and make better food choices. She is in good shape but doesnt work out and eats alot of garbage. She likes to go dancing,(I dont) but I take the opportunity to enhance both our relationship as well as her fitness level. When it comes to healthier food choices I make sure to pack her some healthy snack foods(fruits and veggies) when we are on the go. Its no cure all but has seemed to help
Josh
i was recently married to a wonderful man 4 years older than me. before we were married he promised many different times that he would lose the weight, about 70lbs. He met all my emotional needs but i really didn’t feel attracted to him. i didn’t listen to any of my friends and i went ahead with everything even though he wasn’t really even exercising. 6 months later he’s been working out regularly for about 4 weeks but he hasn’t really lost any weight. Everyone says the first year is the hardest but i just feel like i never really even got a honney moon stage since i stopped trying to convice myself that i was attracted to him.
I think for most, physical attraction is a component for a lasting relationship, although I have to admit, a good sense of humor can make someone appear more physically attractive. How sad your commitment to the relationship is based on the ability for someone else to change to meet your expectations. I think the whole point of the discussion is, how to cope with or inspire, the person you love unequivocally, to make the healthy choice to live better.
I have a wife that has gained over 50 pounds in the past 7 years. I still 100% love her, find her sex, and have no real problem with her from a physical standpoint. What bothers me is that she said I’m not gonig to go over 125, then 130, then 135, then 140, 150, 160 and now she’s into the 170s. She doesn’t take vitamins, does’t excercise anymore, and spends more time in front of facebook, the Internet, and on the phone than taking care of herself. I on the otherhad am in the best shape of my life. I am training for a marathon, swim, bike, lift, and eat relatively smart.
In the past I have tried to help her, encourage her but was accused of being passive aggressive and manipulative. She’ll say she’s not eating poorly but I laugh to myself at what she puts in her body (hot pockets, baked chips, pasta, potatoes, and a bunch of wine). Not exactly weight loss foods.
I do lots of activities with our kids and she now can’t keep up and often complains about being tired. I should strap a 50 pound backpack on and see how that feels (that said if I gradually added weight to a backpack over the past 7 years I would probably be stronger).
Bottom line, I tried to help her but it comes across as self promoting, wanting her to be someone she isn’t and not loving her for who she is so I’ve stopped. Now her BMI has her as obese so that should be an indicator but it isn’t. It’s like telling a smoker that smoking is bad for them and they should quit. They don’t unless they want to. The same is true for my wife and everyone else on this message board. It’s up to the individual to figure it out for themself. Until then I just give love. Seems to work the best for me although it’s not shedding any of the unhealthy pounds.
My husband is about thirty pounds overweight. He wants to lose weight and is digusted at his appearance. Really the only big part on him is his “beer belly”, but it is gross to me also. I try to encourage him, be blunt with how i’m feeling, help him eat healthy, etc….
He has lost hope, he says he’s tried and failed, so nothing is going to work. I don’t want him to give up! I know that he can do it, but he doesn’t seem to have any motivation or belief in himself that it is possible.
It disheartens me that i’m not enough motivation to stay healthy. We are trying to get pregnant also, I would think that would motivate him, but he has given up.
His career is on the line, and our future on wheter he can get fit, how can I help show him how important this is to our lives?
If he fails, he will lose his career and I feel like i will despise him. I really don’t want to do that, how do i help?
PLEASE READ THIS STORY…..
This is to all who want to know why your husband/wife isnt doing much. this dont apply to everyone but it does for myself. I have a problem excercising. I dont have any ambition, motivation, or will to get what i WANT done with myself. I really do want it. But as for every time i go to do it i put it off. I just hate the thought of doing it. I was in the service at one point and was 185. now weighing 265+… i disgust myself. I am 22 years old and have a kid on the way. when he/she is born i would like to be active with the baby. there is something inside me that says “NO” when i hear excercise. like when someone gets there finger burned there response is to pull away. my wife sometimes encourages me. I have known her for 17 yrs. The gym is out of the question. I cant afford anything special, so i cant use dumb bells or equip. I feel as if there is something “more fun to do” than to excercise. My unborn child is alot of motivation but yet I still cant do it. if you let your husb/wife know you accept them for everything they are but are looking out for there best intrest then they MIGHT do something about it. This is to the wives who have tried and feel that they arent “enough” to motivate. They love you and you do motivate. they just need even more to balance there disbeliefe in themselves. some people in there hearts die away from excersise and loose faith in themselves.Just remember she/he loves you. they have to find it within themselves to grab ahold of that will power and use it. thats my problem and i am having a hard time doing so. I have almost givin up multiple times. try to say with sincerity…… ” i love you with all my heart and i wont let you kill yourself. I believe in you and you have to believe in yourself. Now lets try this thing together.” see what it does for you both. just love them NO MATTER what. If you read this thank you for listening. If you have an answer then bless your heart.
Jerry: Get out.
If she won’t make a commitment to health now, you can hold no reasonable expectation she will later.
I’m living the proof. My wife was overweight before we got married, but we’d been dating for years and she had finally lost weight leading up to the proposal. Now she will complain incessantly about how fat she is and how she doesn’t like the way she looks, yet will not stick to any real diet.
She used my diet and worked out pre-wedding. She lost 27 pounds, then quit, regained it all, and now claims she never lost any weight on that diet so there’s no sense in doing it again.
Now among other problems, I can’t sleep in the same room as her, due to the snoring which overpowers any earplugs I can find. The only device that helps is a mouthpiece that she doesn’t like to wear. So I’m banished to the guest room if I want any sleep.
I am at the point of trying to accept that I will have to live with someone who is going to just get fatter, no matter how much I cajole or hint or give positive reinforcement for good habits, how healthy I try to cook (she snacked on 1700 calories in cookies yesterday), or how much I try to find an exercise we can share together.
You cannot overcome zero willpower. Find someone who shares your healthy interests. Do not succumb to any guilt that you are abandoning her. You will be doing a favor for the both of you.
It would be sooooo much easier if my husband was overweight, too. Then we would be on the same level playing field. But because I’m the one with the weight problem, it’s horrible. He works out without any problems. Seeing this makes me feel like I need to lose my weight by tomorrow. He won’t have sex with me (I’m the one who is always initiating it) and he sleeps in the spare bedroom. How am I supposed to feel good about myself when he doesn’t physically want me? I know sex isn’t everything, but I have needs, too!! And when they are not met, I feel very rejected. And I will secretly eat to spite him, although I know it’s hurting me. A huge part of me wants him to leave. We don’t look good together (I’m huge and he’s built awesome; muscles, very lean). I won’t go out in public with him because of the comments he has made about my weight in the past. Even recently, he said to me (we were arguing about the no sex thing). I called him a name and he got angry. I said, “well, for a man not to want sex, I would say you are gay”. He said, “I could have any HOT woman I want. I like a women who takes care of herself”. And I’m supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy and want to jump around working out, knowing he feels that way.
I am an active woman in my 40’s. I’ve always exercised…not hardcore but something. I love to walk, to bike (when the time is right), to do work out videos, yoga, dance, etc. I love to be active.
My bf who is 50 is sendentary. This is so hard for me not only because it’s just not attractive being with someone who is sendentary but it means we cannot go on adventures and trips that take physical effort because he is so out of shape. That means no bike rides, no hiking, no roller skating…nothing that would bring adventure and fun into our lives.
All of my prior bf’s were different. They loved adventure, they loved hikes, etc…but this one, doesn’t care if he doesn’t get fresh air.
It’s hard and depressing because the future looks bleak with someone who does not exercise.
My husband is a doctors and has a very busy schedule but I know that there are doctors that despite their very busy schedules still find time to work out. I know this cause my two best examples are my parents who always made time for even a little workout. My husband always has an excuse and doesn’t like me bugging him about it. He is not overweight but he is getting so skinny and his family health history is not so good. I am trying to lead by example and workout as I always have..I am even 30 weeks pregnant and I still go do light workouts. Help please! I feel like a nag but I am only asking him for his own good. He is a doctor, he should know better right?
My husband and I have been together for 4 years. We met on Match, it is a second marriage. We were both hot for our ages. He had been a Marine and was very trim and I was really attracted to him, that mattered to me because I really wasn’t physically attracted to my first husband. I have always eaten carefully, although I am not a saint I really try to stay under control and I do exercise. He said he never needed to exercise and I guess he never did, but he is 57 now and he has put on about 20 lbs. all around his middle. First, he eats so horribly, no control. Doesn’t believe in exercise, honestly, who would’ve thought a man could get to that age and look hot without doing anything right!! I have not only lost my desire for him, I feel disrespected, not loved. I want him to be proud of me and to desire me which he does. but he doesn’t seem to love me enough to make an effort to do the same. It turns out he comes form an enormously obese family! He was always the one who didn’t have to worry, maybe I should have known but he was just so damn hot looking, flat stomach, big shoulders, great arms!! Anyway, I don’t know what to do. I cook carefully, I always stay on weight watchers so he knows what is good. He told me the other day, I am fat and I am happy!! Well good for him, but I am heartbroken. I don’t want to leave him but I realize you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. Maybe he want out of the marriage and this is his way of pushing me away….although he loves that my body is good, especially for a 60 year old. Where is this going to go but downhill…you have to work harder at this age and it will allow us to do more things we enjoy!! Any advise, I can’t say anything because it hurts his feelings, but what about my feelings. I used to be so proud to show him off, now I prefer if people don’t see him. Any thoughts??
My fiance is 26 years old.. But he is very much older then his age..He is not at all interested in exercise. Since his childhood, he never used to play anything. He is the one for whom his studies are just everything. His parents never encouraged him for sports or exercises. Even if he runs for 1 mile, his legs starts paining. He has frequent speels of headache, and doesnt eat any fruits.
On the other hand, I am quite the opposite. Since starting, I was an all-rounder. Champion in both sports and studies. I always eat healthy, go for hiking and, cycling, swimming and variuos other exercises. He is a nice guy, but I dont understand how to motivate him for exercises. He has always some excuses ready for not doing exercises. And when he does some, whole of his body aches. I really feel so helpless, and in the end we end up fighting with each-other. Imagine, a 26 years old guy, with such a weak and aching body(and a pauch too). I am very lively and cheerful kinda a person, but all these things makes me so unhappy. I end up crying for entire night and sometimes even days. I dont know what to do.If anyone could help me on this, I would be really really obliged !!
I believe inspiring them and focusing on yourself is the first step. The woman that lost 160 lbs probably got backlash because the husband was feeling like he felt like she was trying to get him to do it too. The compliments will come eventually, when they see the change and want it for themselves too.